My last week as a 22 year old...

Birthdays aren't supposed to be so depressing but I've been a pessimist for a long time now.  All it reminds me of is the end of my time here on earth.  How did I get here?  What have I accomplished?  How have I grown since I was a skinny, funky lookin 12 year old with huge glasses and clashing clothes?  I haven't.  I feel like I've gone backwards.  The world does that to you...  life makes you kooky, boys make you koOky, but worst of all, I make myself kooky.  here i am again, tossing and turning at 5am because i can't stop thinking.

I'm trying hard to stablize, but I honestly feel so lost. 
The Bz have found another krew, and i've become a NYB along with being a RUB.  Ingrid has gone away, and maybe she'll feel like a figment of my imagination the way SongYi, Amy, and Joe feel.  Or even the Wanna bz who i used to adore so much.  I ran into Grace & Mina on Saturday and it felt so much more awkward.  And all I want to do is go back to the way things were, where I felt a little more comfortable in my skin.  It was great to run into people on campus, to have korean class with grace and mina, to climb in through tony and jack's window instead of using doors, to have B get togethers, to have CrazyB and Wanna b get togethers, to have to be nervous about getting into a club without an ID...
I blinked.
And I am the way that I am right now
and I don't know why
and it doesn't feel like me.
People getting under my skin left and right, I am unable to care how I come off.  All I need is Sok and the rest of you don't seem to matter.  and yet... one day I may be left without him and what will I do then. 
sometimes i agree that it's better to have loved and lost.  but once you realize you've dug a hole for youself, you're scared of anything outside your safe haven, right?  and i don't want to lose.  i really don't want to lose.  so that means... i shouldn't love.  right?

sok's great.  but god... i hate you sok.


so... it sounds pretty gay to me... but i should try to "find myself"
god... all that crap is such bull... but i feel pretty lost and in a place where i don't fit in... so perhaps i should start my 23rd year... as if i won't have another.

then again... i went back and apparently i felt the same way in 2003 and i'm guessing all the other years. 

last year

evites will be sent out soon.  keep 7.22 free!